if your memory serves you well

this was a bitch,
but so worth it.

I have decided to be enid coleslaw for halloween as my sylvia plath costume is kind of destroyed.

i am so glad jessica is here or my head would explode

The only person responsible for my actions is me. I cannot continue to insulate myself within my own insecurities and unrequested feelings (how easy is it to succumb to wills we didn't ask for) and shed the blame. I need to stop drinking. I don't very often, but when I do, I say things I shouldn't, I cry (I was just getting over my proclivity for tears too!), I get upset...not everything should be said. Somethings should addressed internally before I allow the world to see. I am so tired all the time, but this weather is refreshing. Despite small failings, I am still so happy here. I miss Jake endlessly. My best friend lives a thousand miles away, and I don't know when that gap will close. But even this is no longer an excuse to be bitter or sad or fitful or whatever else emotion I attach to it. I stay with Jake because I can't not be with him, and I need to allow the negative to fade into love.

Overall, I am very excited for this week. Monday is Do the Right Thing showing for my Multicultural Film class (speaking of which i am thinking about minoring in film studies (interdisciplinary humanities)), Art Brut at the Union on Wednesday and Rocky Horror on Friday. Then Saturday Jess and I are headed to Orlando and I get to see Kelsey and Devin! Plus derby is tonight! And Wednesday night! And free skate on Tuesday! I earned my first bruise on Tuesday last week. I love it.

Off to read "Racism Without Racists"!

I need to realign my priorities. I have so much fun with my newfound friends, but studying needs to come first. That's why I am embarking on a quest to not leave my room or a study area until all of my work is done. I am just not as productive when it is midnight, after a movie and I return to my work.

Speaking of movies, I have been seeing about two a week on average. Last night I attended an advanced screening of Zombieland, and I loved it. It made me jump (the surprises always get me as the people sitting near me in the theater can attest), laugh, and grimace. Tonight I am going to see a film print of American Psycho in the Student Life Center on campus. I hope to see Whip It! and Jennifer's Body soon.

I have become very impatient recently, and annoyed easily. I am almost positive this has two roots: 1)being selfish is easier than incorporating others into your life on both of your terms and 2) I have been experiencing the crazy adventures of birth control and the impact of hormones on emotion. I am going to work toward being more aware of others' needs and feelings and also hopefully the mail will have delivered the next pack of pills my mom shipped, so this prolonged period can be cut off.

I have already selected my class schedule for the upcoming semester. I sign up for courses on October 12th!

I miss Jake insanely. I am pushing through optimism, holding on to love with a closed fist. I know I can't sink back to where I was last fall. I think that is why I have been spending so much time with other people, and filling up my day, because I feel lonely. My best friend and partner lives a thousand miles away, geez.

All in all, I am happy, with the exception of the past day or so, ha. It is hard to cope with the idea that my childhood is over. I am a child, still, and I don't know to accept that I can't be.
( college )

I AM FREAKING OUT.

i understand why they say college can be the best years of your life.

i am not claiming it yet, but i can relate.

i think i might be making friends? as if people would refer to me by the term "friend"! this is very exciting to me. and the politics of friendship are so diluted here. all the things i hated about secondary education is absolved here. this weekend kelsey is coming to tallahassee for a mun conference. i am so happy. i have missed having her around! but i do love jess, and i am so glad she is here. otherwise, i probably wouldnt have any girl friends. ha. the guys i have met here are fantastic. i love film buffs!

though uchicago could have provided me with opportunities that are perhaps beyond what i could be introduced to here at FSU, and i miss jake greatly, i think there is direction in my time here. i think here i can make a way for myself without conforming to the core, or dealing with fierce competition for sociological research positions, or the extreme cold. i dont want to say i believe things happen for a reason, because i dont necessarily believe that, but i do know that (or believe i guess) that when something happens i can ascribe reasoning to it to explain away the errors and unexpected moments. and the meaning i am applying to my attendance of fsu is OPPORTUNITY.


now i have to head out to sociology of race and minority relations.

how funny is it that my life on livejournal can be broken down over the past two years by when i am with jake or when i have seen him? i guess it just proves what i profound impact he has had on my life.

so last night i went to party for the first time in over a year without drinking! i made a promise to myself not to go to parties at all because of an over-indulgence last weekend but some of my friends needed a designated driver, so i obliged. i don't mind. i like being thrust into the mother position. sometimes i cant understand why i feel so instinctively that there are no great differences between the genders, and then i just feel self-fulfilled by this general stereotypes. but all the same, i am making choices for myself. or am i. god sociology!

speaking of which, ILOVECOLLEGE. I love being able to study whatever the FUCK I WANT for the first time ever. i love all of my sociology classes and race studies classes. last night i met a guy this guy matt that jess introduced me to and he is a gender studies major and i love meeting these mixed-up sorts. we are both doll parts grab bags.

so yes jake will be here this evening i cant wait to see him. he is my best friend.

in other news:
-jess and i have been talking about maybe getting a student apartment next year together and spliting rent
-i have over 200 pages to read by tuesday. this is not a complaint. i love this shit.
-i have been swimming in the fountain, and lemme say it is not all it cracked up to be

ROSS IS HEADING OVER HERE RIGHT NOW AND I NEED TO NOT BE IN PJS. More later.

So far I have made a checked apron, and the head is decorated with chicken legs, t-bone steaks and corn on the cob. I don't have a great camera here in Tampa to show detailed work, but trust that every kernel on the corn was individually placed, hence why I am STILL awake, ha.



I am still going to make a few hot dogs, hamburgers, and a spatula for the raised hand. Any other ideas? I have a whole bulbous head to cover!

-I move on the 18th. After visiting Kelsey, Devin and Kim (Jake's friend Tim) in Gainesville I am ECSTATIC about moving to Tallahassee. I know adventures are to follow. I know it.
-In the past twenty-four hours I have seen Ponyo and The Hurt Locker. I highly recommend both.
-I finally got a Munny. I am going to decorate it using food I have formed from Sculpy.
-I love spending time with Jake. I have missed him more than I could ever form and place in words.
-Jake is a beautiful selfless god.
-In other news, he brought me back the funkiest boots back from Turkey.

-Casey and I spray-painted Hank's wall. I made the stencils. I am pretty amazed I managed to make a passable Keith Haring stencil.

I bleached the front of my hair. Can I pull-off a cheap Cruella Deville?

I feel like I can't trust most males because I don't know their intentions. I can no longer believe in a universal sisterhood either. United experience doesn't exist across class/gender/race lines but right now I feel alienated by sex.


In other news I get to see Jake tomorrow.

In other news I leave Cape Coral in 8 days. I'm simultaniously horrified and enthralled. I hope someone catches my hackneyed reference to F Scott Fitzgerald. I am holding these buzzwords "adventure" "opportunity" "growth" close to my heart.

i feel like throttling someone. i have no reason, just that i am so tense my skin is prickling and my back hurts. i hate these moods.

So I miss Jake. Turkey needs to release my darling boyfriend back to me. I am sure he is having a great time and he is making important connections for the future. THE FUTURE. How much of my time is spent pleading to and encouraging the time-that-has-yet-to-come to be good to me. I have made progress in my house cleaning but I KNOW I am dragging way too much crap to school with me. My roommate is going to be stunned by the number of boxes we cart upstairs when my parents move me in, and I haven't even begun to pack clothing. Well, that's not entirely true. I have, and so far they are ONLY dresses. I need to expand my fashion horizons. This is my apology to my future roommate, penned to quell the assumed judging/freak out/ blow up: YES I AM MESSY. NO THIS MESS WILL NOT IMPACT YOU OR YOUR THINGS. I WILL BE CLEAN IN PUBLIC SPACES BUT IF I WANT A CLUTTERED DESK, PLEASE ALLOW ME THIS COURTESY. Thanks, your future roommate, Haley. FUTURE. Such a key word in my thoughts, and dreams. Normally it means I am discontent with the present, but that isn't true at all. Here, future isnt my safe word; I am not using it to escape or scheme. I say it from pure excitement. No real plans in my future week. I have to clean, and most of my friends have abandoned the Cape Coral ship, ha. And right now I dont have any cash, and I am avoiding using my debit card at all to avoid the temptation to spend. That money is for books and food. I haven't saved any income I have received over the past two years for funsies

This is a video about an incident that happened last night. Ha. God, sometimes I am so oblivious to what is going on around me, and I lack even a rudimentary common sense.

I have been planning a tattoo to get with my mother when she gets her ice cream cone (with three scoops for each of her charming children). I have included here images and inspirations!
( said images and inspirations )


( cute things I am bringing with me to college, and two new purchases )
and one last thing, I spent about an hour last night making business cards, ha. aren't they cute?


now tell me, what are YOUR most prized possessions? favorite purchases? recent purchases? current desires?

haleygentile.etsy.com

I Knew a Woman
I knew a woman, lovely in her bones,
When small birds sighed, she would sigh back at them;
Ah, when she moved, she moved more ways than one:
The shapes a bright container can contain!
Of her choice virtues only gods should speak,
Or English poets who grew up on Greek
(I'd have them sing in chorus, cheek to cheek.)
How well her wishes went! She stroked my chin,
She taught me Turn, and Counter-turn, and stand;
She taught me Touch, that undulant white skin:
I nibbled meekly from her proffered hand;
She was the sickle; I, poor I, the rake,
Coming behind her for her pretty sake
(But what prodigious mowing did we make.)
Love likes a gander, and adores a goose:
Her full lips pursed, the errant note to seize;
She played it quick, she played it light and loose;
My eyes, they dazzled at her flowing knees;
Her several parts could keep a pure repose,
Or one hip quiver with a mobile nose
(She moved in circles, and those circles moved.)
Let seed be grass, and grass turn into hay:
I'm martyr to a motion not my own;
What's freedom for? To know eternity.
I swear she cast a shadow white as stone.
But who would count eternity in days?
These old bones live to learn her wanton ways:
(I measure time by how a body sways.)

I love Mucha.


( photos, text and a few QUESTIONS! )