if your memory serves you well

"I'm reading it from your book due"

So guess who got two hours of sleep?
And guess who, after she finished her paper at 2 am, couldn't fall asleep, so she went for a walk, and then restlessly slept for a couple of hours, and then woke up again, went on another walk and sat on Landis Green until 7 am?
In a related note, guess who is NEVER DRINKING COFFEE AGAIN?
In a secondarily related note, guess who brushed her hair with a fork and then tried to place it in her toiletries drawer?


After I meet with my professor at 10 am, I am passing out until my body rejects the notion of sleep.
Needless to say, I am not highly functional right now. I would not permit myself to drive a car.

ready? I AM FORCING MYSELF TO GO STUDY RIGHT NOW

http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2009/11/16/in-defense-of-douchebag/
A feminist's perspective on the use of the word douchebag. My heart is smiling, though I must admit, in this case, that I am a shameless abuser of the word 'dick' as an insult.
In other news, my finals begin Monday. I am struggling to find motivation today, which is really just a sickening excuse to watch the 20/20 Rihanna interview and read web comics when I should be outlining chapters for Race, Ethnicity and Nationality in the United States. I swear, as soon as I finish listening to the current iTunes playlist, I will finish my readings, and begin compiling a study guide.
I finalized my schedule for next semester. I had to drop Intro to Urban Planning and Development because it coincided with my required natural science (one of the few state university liberal studies classes my IB diploma did not allow me to elect out of). I will take it nextnext semester. As an African American Studies major I must select a concentration, and as I am particularly interested in residential segregation it seems as good a choice as any. Plus, one of the required classes is Collective Decisions, which causes my sociological sensors to whirl into motion! Anyhoo, I will be taking:
African American Children (I'll be the first to acknowledge the double entendre...ah ha ha..taking African American children...oy)
Sociological Theory
Methods of Social Research
Intro to Brain and Behavior (said natural science-it's the only psych class that qualifies)
Honors Seminar: Social Deviance
If you are still in school, what are you taking this upcoming semester? Hell, what are you taking this semester?


I am so antsy for my film professor to provide with feedback on my Teeth paper! I can't wait to expand it. I seriously have delusions of this summer being full of Census work, rape-revenge films and my loving boyfriend.

Speaking of which, WHY ISN'T WINTER BREAK HERE YET?
I miss the feeling of a normalized relationship. I miss the feeling that our time together is not an event. I miss watching tv together with his head in my lap; I miss the days of nothing. I can't wait for this break so that Jake and I can just enjoy each other's company.

Also, I am slowly realizing I am addicted to gum chewing. Seriously. I crave it. CRAVE IT.

my life as of late has been hectic. the past five weekends i have been out of town, away from tallahassee. first orlando, then gainesville, then chicago, then philly and then atlanta. i feel as if i have been letting school slide. all of my grades are still fine, and i have been turning everything in on time, i just havent been feeling that spark of growth that can come with learning. i need to refocus, and again, stop drinking. it isn't good that the last few posts on here all read that: "i should stop drinking", but really i ought to. it's expensive, it takes away time i could be productive (both while i am drinking, and then while i am recovering) and it necessitates damage control. i dont want to spend every sunday morning tracking down those i have offended with a loose tongue or worry that i made a fool out of myself. it's quite gross actually that the person i am while drinking, and the person i am the rest of the time are so divergent. i don't think i have a problem, but i think i could be headed down a path that ends abruptly in a problem. alcohol is so smooth in that way. i think i can use it to relax, to feel comfortable, to connect with those i wouldnt otherwise, and instead it causes the small me that lives inside to hollow a path further, deeper within, until that small me cant hear the external world at all. until i am just an impression of myself that i once knew. that being said, i feel as if everything after today is headed upward.
tomorrow i return from fsu to cape coral to see my family, and jake, and his family. i am bringing some work with me for studying time, because at a stress buster social i went to yesterday evening (ah the joys of dorm living) they suggested short study times over break will ease the transition into finals. hopefully ill get a chance to skate this weekend as well, since i have missed the past two weeks of derby. first my tattoo was fresh, and then i have been out of town.
yesterday i turned in a film paper about Teeth, and my professor suggested i expand it into a larger thesis paper, covering rape-revenge films as a whole, with an intent of it being published. i found my summer project! i am also going to try and get a job with the census in cape coral. making $12 an hour, and doing an activity that will make me a better sociologist? ACE. but, really, how funny would it be if my first published paper was in a field that i do not intend to pursue? hahaha

welllllll, that is all i suppose.
ohhhh lookie, i still have green hair:

this was a bitch,
but so worth it.

I have decided to be enid coleslaw for halloween as my sylvia plath costume is kind of destroyed.

i am so glad jessica is here or my head would explode

The only person responsible for my actions is me. I cannot continue to insulate myself within my own insecurities and unrequested feelings (how easy is it to succumb to wills we didn't ask for) and shed the blame. I need to stop drinking. I don't very often, but when I do, I say things I shouldn't, I cry (I was just getting over my proclivity for tears too!), I get upset...not everything should be said. Somethings should addressed internally before I allow the world to see. I am so tired all the time, but this weather is refreshing. Despite small failings, I am still so happy here. I miss Jake endlessly. My best friend lives a thousand miles away, and I don't know when that gap will close. But even this is no longer an excuse to be bitter or sad or fitful or whatever else emotion I attach to it. I stay with Jake because I can't not be with him, and I need to allow the negative to fade into love.

Overall, I am very excited for this week. Monday is Do the Right Thing showing for my Multicultural Film class (speaking of which i am thinking about minoring in film studies (interdisciplinary humanities)), Art Brut at the Union on Wednesday and Rocky Horror on Friday. Then Saturday Jess and I are headed to Orlando and I get to see Kelsey and Devin! Plus derby is tonight! And Wednesday night! And free skate on Tuesday! I earned my first bruise on Tuesday last week. I love it.

Off to read "Racism Without Racists"!

I need to realign my priorities. I have so much fun with my newfound friends, but studying needs to come first. That's why I am embarking on a quest to not leave my room or a study area until all of my work is done. I am just not as productive when it is midnight, after a movie and I return to my work.

Speaking of movies, I have been seeing about two a week on average. Last night I attended an advanced screening of Zombieland, and I loved it. It made me jump (the surprises always get me as the people sitting near me in the theater can attest), laugh, and grimace. Tonight I am going to see a film print of American Psycho in the Student Life Center on campus. I hope to see Whip It! and Jennifer's Body soon.

I have become very impatient recently, and annoyed easily. I am almost positive this has two roots: 1)being selfish is easier than incorporating others into your life on both of your terms and 2) I have been experiencing the crazy adventures of birth control and the impact of hormones on emotion. I am going to work toward being more aware of others' needs and feelings and also hopefully the mail will have delivered the next pack of pills my mom shipped, so this prolonged period can be cut off.

I have already selected my class schedule for the upcoming semester. I sign up for courses on October 12th!

I miss Jake insanely. I am pushing through optimism, holding on to love with a closed fist. I know I can't sink back to where I was last fall. I think that is why I have been spending so much time with other people, and filling up my day, because I feel lonely. My best friend and partner lives a thousand miles away, geez.

All in all, I am happy, with the exception of the past day or so, ha. It is hard to cope with the idea that my childhood is over. I am a child, still, and I don't know to accept that I can't be.
( college )

I AM FREAKING OUT.

i understand why they say college can be the best years of your life.

i am not claiming it yet, but i can relate.

i think i might be making friends? as if people would refer to me by the term "friend"! this is very exciting to me. and the politics of friendship are so diluted here. all the things i hated about secondary education is absolved here. this weekend kelsey is coming to tallahassee for a mun conference. i am so happy. i have missed having her around! but i do love jess, and i am so glad she is here. otherwise, i probably wouldnt have any girl friends. ha. the guys i have met here are fantastic. i love film buffs!

though uchicago could have provided me with opportunities that are perhaps beyond what i could be introduced to here at FSU, and i miss jake greatly, i think there is direction in my time here. i think here i can make a way for myself without conforming to the core, or dealing with fierce competition for sociological research positions, or the extreme cold. i dont want to say i believe things happen for a reason, because i dont necessarily believe that, but i do know that (or believe i guess) that when something happens i can ascribe reasoning to it to explain away the errors and unexpected moments. and the meaning i am applying to my attendance of fsu is OPPORTUNITY.


now i have to head out to sociology of race and minority relations.

how funny is it that my life on livejournal can be broken down over the past two years by when i am with jake or when i have seen him? i guess it just proves what i profound impact he has had on my life.

so last night i went to party for the first time in over a year without drinking! i made a promise to myself not to go to parties at all because of an over-indulgence last weekend but some of my friends needed a designated driver, so i obliged. i don't mind. i like being thrust into the mother position. sometimes i cant understand why i feel so instinctively that there are no great differences between the genders, and then i just feel self-fulfilled by this general stereotypes. but all the same, i am making choices for myself. or am i. god sociology!

speaking of which, ILOVECOLLEGE. I love being able to study whatever the FUCK I WANT for the first time ever. i love all of my sociology classes and race studies classes. last night i met a guy this guy matt that jess introduced me to and he is a gender studies major and i love meeting these mixed-up sorts. we are both doll parts grab bags.

so yes jake will be here this evening i cant wait to see him. he is my best friend.

in other news:
-jess and i have been talking about maybe getting a student apartment next year together and spliting rent
-i have over 200 pages to read by tuesday. this is not a complaint. i love this shit.
-i have been swimming in the fountain, and lemme say it is not all it cracked up to be

ROSS IS HEADING OVER HERE RIGHT NOW AND I NEED TO NOT BE IN PJS. More later.

So far I have made a checked apron, and the head is decorated with chicken legs, t-bone steaks and corn on the cob. I don't have a great camera here in Tampa to show detailed work, but trust that every kernel on the corn was individually placed, hence why I am STILL awake, ha.



I am still going to make a few hot dogs, hamburgers, and a spatula for the raised hand. Any other ideas? I have a whole bulbous head to cover!

-I move on the 18th. After visiting Kelsey, Devin and Kim (Jake's friend Tim) in Gainesville I am ECSTATIC about moving to Tallahassee. I know adventures are to follow. I know it.
-In the past twenty-four hours I have seen Ponyo and The Hurt Locker. I highly recommend both.
-I finally got a Munny. I am going to decorate it using food I have formed from Sculpy.
-I love spending time with Jake. I have missed him more than I could ever form and place in words.
-Jake is a beautiful selfless god.
-In other news, he brought me back the funkiest boots back from Turkey.

-Casey and I spray-painted Hank's wall. I made the stencils. I am pretty amazed I managed to make a passable Keith Haring stencil.

I bleached the front of my hair. Can I pull-off a cheap Cruella Deville?

I feel like I can't trust most males because I don't know their intentions. I can no longer believe in a universal sisterhood either. United experience doesn't exist across class/gender/race lines but right now I feel alienated by sex.


In other news I get to see Jake tomorrow.

In other news I leave Cape Coral in 8 days. I'm simultaniously horrified and enthralled. I hope someone catches my hackneyed reference to F Scott Fitzgerald. I am holding these buzzwords "adventure" "opportunity" "growth" close to my heart.

i feel like throttling someone. i have no reason, just that i am so tense my skin is prickling and my back hurts. i hate these moods.